Thank you Margaret for a dozen beautiful and delicious farm fresh eggs. Gathered from the coop right in front of me and “packaged” on spot. Soon enough I will have egg laying gals of my own, but I will still rely on you and Karl for the most delicious homemade goat cheese (in case Caitlin reads this your cheese is also delicious!! and I will support you this summer at the farmers’ markets).

These days you hear the terms “frenemy” and BFF thrown about pretty casually I think. Friendship is supposed to mean something real and hopefully last a lifetime. Between the laughter and the tears are the shared moments, secrets and life lessons. I consider myself incredibly fortunate to have known my best friend for 17 years and my next closest friend for a decade. During that time I have let friends go and made new ones, people who teach me to be a better person challenging me when they feel they should and loving me when needed. In turn I would do anything for my friends.

When my father passed away a few years ago I learned a lot about life and friendship.  Losing someone close made me realize I wanted to love stronger; be as supportive and present as possible for people who are important to me. It also made clear those people who to be frank I just did not feel deserved my time and energy. It is never easy to let someone go from your life, to push them out of it, after getting to know them on a personal level and sharing experiences. However, circumstances change and issues arise that cannot be avoided.  Growing families, career demands and geography have caused stress in some of my friendships, but were not the sole factor for my terminating any one friendship. At the end of the day it has always been can I respect this person and do they respect me.  Do we trust each other and are we satisfied with how our friendship is evolving.

For weeks I’ve been trying to avoid and then centering on what to do about a person in my life who has been a friend for a long time, but who now when I encounter leaves me sad, irritated and stressed.  She has lost my respect and trust, yet I am reticent to permanently displace her from my life.  I do not see her intentions as malicious or her as a bad person, but I cannot see it in me to put any energy into our friendship when we are moving in opposite directions at high speed. Will I be taking the high road if I explain my feelings or just slowly let her drift out of my life or should I make one final attempt to salvage our friendship based on the good times we shared years ago.

With all this in my mind Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop newsletter titled “Friendship Divorce” could not have arrived in my inbox at a more appropriate time. Following is my favorite passage.

It seems that the people with whom we share a history we often have a lot of unspoken agreements with. We have agreements that we will stay the same and uphold certain dynamics that are comfortable for us – that make us feel secure. Such agreements can be insidious; we may not even notice them.

The important thing to recognize about agreements is that it takes more than one person to make one. If we see that an agreement is not serving our well-being and the well-being of our friend, it is intelligent to break it… and it is possible to break an agreement without abandoning the friendship. In fact, it is an act of courage and kindness to ourselves and to our friend.

We are all looking for well-being and happiness in life. So the purpose of friendship is to support and be supported in our search for well-being and happiness. Breaking unhealthy agreements challenges our tendency to withdraw into habitual ways of being that sabotage this intention. At the same time, breaking unhealthy agreements awakens our longing to grow and experience a sense of wonderment about ourselves and the world. There are many ways of being in relationship and this is an opportunity to learn something new.

Of course, there is always a chance our friend may not be interested in working on the relationship with you. That is their choice. But this doesn’t mean we can’t remain faithful to our friend; it doesn’t mean that we have to give up our care for them or our wish for their well-being. There is no need to abandon them. In fact, as citizens of the human race, isn’t it our responsibility to never abandon anyone?

If we live with clarity and integrity, how could it conflict with the well-being of others? Our relationship to others has everything to do with the relationship we have with ourselves, as well as the clarity of our vision. In a larger sense, cultivating love and care for all living beings is the only way to live with integrity and purpose.

Elizabeth Mattis-Namgyel is the author of the upcoming book, “The Power of an Open Question” (Shambhala Publications).